Warwick Tale

          Once upon a time... there lived a poor milkmaid who owned only one cow. This was no ordinary cow, but a giant cow (it was also previously owned by a giant, but somehow this cow fell into the hands of a regular milkmaid, probably the milkmaid stole it.) Anyway, this cow, although of massive proportion, could be milked once a day and once a day only. The milkmaid, knowing this, filled her pail and turned to leave for the day. Well, she thought, it's such a giant cow, there must be loads of milk in those udders... and whipped out her sieve and began to fill it. The cow, noting the girl's clear disregard for its welfare and personal limits, immediately became enraged and started kicking everything in sight. The girl shrieked and tried to run but the cow trampled everything in its path and kept going, out of the barn, and into the central courtyard.

          "MOOOOOOOO!" roared the cow, madness flaring in its eyes, and continued its reign of terror and destruction.

          "Can no one save us!?" cried the townspeople. They looked at the falconer.

          "I can't, I have bird flu," said the falconer. The townspeople looked at the sword smith.

          "I can't, I have cramps," said the sword smith. The cow loudly stomped someone's legs off in the background.

          Finally, Guy of Warwick let out a long sigh and said: "I suppose, if no one else will..." and grabbed his bow and arrow. The townspeople eagerly pushed Guy of Warwick out to the front of the group. Guy of Warwick cocked his bow, took careful aim, and let loose a volley of arrows on the giant cow. The cow, who was in the middle of squashing legs, looked the archer square in the eye and stomped a couple more times for good measure, clearly unhindered by the arrows sticking out of its back. Then the cow let out a terrible battle cry and flung itself at Guy of Warwick. Guy of Warwick was completely surprised and didn't even have time to yell "Oh fuck" before the cow was beating him to the ground with its hooves. Guy of Warwick then spent a lot of time whimpering, in the fetal position, under the cow's massive hooves, before rolling over and punching the cow in the udders.

          "Take that!" He yelled and sucker-punched the cow in the privates.

          "MOOOOOHOOOHOOO OHHH OWWWWWW" cried the cow, clutching at its udders.

          While the cow was currently incapacitated, Guy of Warwick took the opportunity to land a really cheap move. He leapt on the cow's back and grabbed its horns, twisting the cow's head back until it said "Ow, mercy!" but he kept twisting until he heard its neck break. Guy of Warwick was working on adrenaline though and had lost his senses entirely, so even after its neck was broken he kept on twisting. He twisted and twisted until the head was completely severed from the cow's body. Guy of Warwick went home a hero, and the poor cow was nicknamed Dun Cow and one of its horns is still on display at Warwick Castle to this day.

The End